Marriage Support for Special Needs Families [Interview]

An Interview with Joe and Cindi Ferrini 

Marriages often struggle with the significant challenges that come with raising a special needs child.

Joe and Cindi Ferrini have been there—and are making it work.

This interview will encourage you in your marriage as Joe and Cindi balance serious topics with much-needed humor. We discuss commitment, good choices, adaptation and acceptance, divorce, dependence on biblical truth, and the importance of a Spirit-filled life.  

Your special needs family doesn’t have to erode your marriage. Joe and Cindi are proof that you can make it stronger.

Click play to watch the video.

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Interview Questions

1. What are some common marital challenges when raising a special needs loved one?
2. How do you manage family time and fun in the midst of trying to cope as individuals and as a couple?
3. Joe, what advice do you have for fathers or male caregivers?
4. What are some things couples can do to move forward with success?
5. What are some key points couples must focus on?
6. What passages of Scripture do you use to encourage others?
7. When marriages are struggling—or if there is a divorce—what guidance do you recommend?
8. How does your relationship with the Lord strengthen your marriage?

Joe and Cindi Ferrini have been married for 33 years and have three grown children and two grandchildren. They speak nationally with Family Life’s “Weekend to Remember,” and they have appeared as guests on Family Life Today and Focus on the Family. 

Joe and Cindi host the broadcast, Marriage Matters—a fun and informative five-minute radio spot that airs Monday mornings at 6:05 and 8:05 AM.

Their book, Unexpected Journey: When Special Needs Change Our Course, weaves their story about raising their special needs son as well as caring for their aging parents.  

For You

Questions: What did you find helpful from the video? What are some issues for which you would like to have more direction or support? You can leave a comment by clicking here.

Recommended Resources

To connect with Joe and Cindi—or to find more information about their resources, books, blogs, and speaking engagements—you can connect with them in the following ways:

• Broadcast: My Marriage Matters
• Facebook: My Marriage Matters
  
• Web: joeferrini.com or cindiferrini.com

Books by Joe and/or Cindi:

• Unexpected Journey: When Special Needs Change Our Course
• Balancing the Active Life: A Bible Study
• Get it Together: An Organizational Planner
• Tis the Season: A “Less Stress” Christmas Planner

Insight for Living Suggested Resources

DVDs by Charles R. Swindoll:

• Family Matters: Investing in the Things That Last
  

MP3 Instant Downloads by Charles R. Swindoll:

• Family Matters: Investing in the Things That Last
• Life Lessons Just for Women
• Getting through the Tough Stuff of Divorce  

Influence

by Colleen Swindoll Thompson

At a recent conference I attended, one of the speakers touched on the subject of being an influential person. Most of us categorize effective influence by numbers rather than by character. We believe having influence means we need to have a big audience, attend a huge church, know popular people, hold countless degrees, own lots of stuff, or have big bank accounts. I have none of those things and have rarely considered myself a person with much influence . . . until I heard this speaker’s talk.

It’s my assumption that many of you reading these words believe you have little influence, but you’d be surprised. One of the speaker’s ten points was so simple, yet it left an incredible impact on my preconceptions about the meaning of influence. Today, I hope you will reconsider your influence. You have influence, your influence is powerful, and your influence can change lives everywhere you go.

Ready? One of the most powerful ways to influence others happens with a simple smile. Ta-da! That’s it . . . if you give away a smile, you have influenced someone’s life.

Recently, I was pondering the meaning of the smile and made some notes. Just think . . .

1. Smiling is attractive. I bet most of us would prefer to look at a smiling face rather than a frowning one anytime. We are drawn to one another’s smile.
2. Smiling can make us feel better. When smiling, I’m usually engaged in thinking positively and proactively.
3. Smiling—like yawning—is very contagious. When I see someone smile, it’s rare that I don’t smile back.
4. Smiling is a stress reliever. Frowning uses 40 face muscles and smiling only 17, so why not choose to smile and avoid the additional “muscle strain”? A smile relaxes your face which results in a more relaxed body.
5. Smiling—like laughter—releases endorphins in the brain that improve one’s mood. I have learned this raising a neurologically challenged son. We have practiced smiling so many times, I can testify to the positive effect of it. Endorphins are released not only when we smile but when a smile turns to laughter. Several years ago, I was in a car accident that caused me serious head and face trauma. I couldn’t get out of bed, so my kids would bring their laptops onto my big bed and show me hilarious videos. Because of the broken bones in my face, I had to be careful not to laugh too hard, but smiling and laughing lifted my mood during those months of healing.

Becoming a Person of Influence
So, with much excitement, I challenge us all: let’s be agents of influence. It is so simple to turn up the corners of our mouths and give away a warm smile!

Share with me how a smile—either given or received—has changed your day. I promise; if you choose to be a person of influence by sharing one smile a day, you will have some incredible stories to share! As I end this post, I’m sending each of you a huge smile!

Act Medium

by Charles R. Swindoll

The children worked long and hard on their little cardboard shack. It was to be a special spot—a clubhouse, where they could meet together, play, and have fun. Because a clubhouse has to have rules, they came up with three:

Nobody act big.
Nobody act small.
Everybody act medium.

Not bad theology!

In different words, God says the very same thing:

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth;
A stranger, and not your own lips. (Proverbs 27:2)

“Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant, and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be your slave.” (Matthew 20:26-27)

Give preference to one another in honor. (Romans 12:10)

Through love serve one another. (Galatians 5:13)

Regard one another as more important than yourselves. (Philippians 2:3)

Just “act medium.” Believable. Honest, human, thoughtful, and down to earth. Regardless of your elevated position or high pile of honors or row of degrees or endless list of achievements, just stay real. Junk any idea that you deserve some kind of super recognition for a job well done. Who did you do it for anyway? If you did it for God, He has an infinite number of unseen ways to reward you. If you did it for human glory, no wonder you’re seeking the credit! So easy to draw out that praise for yourself, isn’t it? Ye olde ego is a wily one.

Just “act medium.”

Again, what is it Solomon said? “Let another praise you . . . a stranger, and not your own lips.”

Meaning what? Meaning no self-reference to some enviable accomplishment. Meaning refusal to scratch a back when yours itches. Meaning no desire to manipulate and manufacture praise. Meaning authentic surprise when applauded.

Like the inimitable Principal Cairns, headmaster of an English school, who was walking onto the platform along with other dignitaries. As he stepped up, a burst of spontaneous applause arose from the audience. In characteristic modesty, Cairns stepped back to let the man behind pass by . . . as he began to applaud his colleague. He genuinely assumed the applause was for another.

Just “act medium.”

But one final warning: Don’t try to fake it. False humility stinks worse than raw conceit.

The answer is not in trying to appear worthless or “wormy.” The answer lies in consistently taking notice of others’ achievements, recognizing others’ skills and contributions . . . and saying so. That’s called serving others in love. And that’s what Christ did.

Got the rules memorized?

“Nobody act big. Nobody act small. Everybody act medium.”

Such good advice from a clubhouse full of kids who, by the way, are pretty good at practicing what they preach.

 

Adapted from Charles R. Swindoll, “Act Medium,” in The Finishing Touch: Becoming God’s Masterpiece (Dallas: Word, 1994), 560-61. Copyright © 1994 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.

Soul Truth

by Colleen Swindoll Thompson

You won’t believe what happened in a very formal church, years ago. My son, Jonathan, not quite one year old, had the fantastic gift of throwing up everything he ate. So much so that I thought I would catch a lung at some point. I had moved to Dallas several years before and life had been tough so I ventured out and visited a church. I needed the reminder that God was still on His throne, sovereign, and always faithful.

Jon had so many struggles that getting out the door for church, with three kids under the age of five, was nearly impossible. Eventually, we made it and just as we walked into the formal, gorgeous, well-known, and respected church, Jon began to empty the contents of his stomach everywhere. I heard a big splat, and then Jon gasped for air, and then another splash, which spread across the beautifully polished, expensive tile. One usher came over with such care and offered to help. In the meantime, I grabbed a stack of church bulletins, hoping they would soak up something. On that day I discovered paper does not soak up vomit effectively! I also learned a few other lessons:

1) God doesn’t care about how we try to look, but He does care about our hearts. That is freeing.
2) We can’t possibly live without some messes, either inside or outside our lives. That is relieving.
3) Pride refuses help, but humility welcomes help as God’s hand reaching to you. That is refreshing.

I also learned some funny lessons:

1) Because vomit and stink go together, wear your junk clothes.
2) If throwing up is even a slight possibility, stay home.
3) Church bulletins don’t soak up a single drop of anything, so carry paper towels.

I recently found this prayer written by a man who lost his children and needed some help drying his tears. I love his humble, thoroughly honest words.

Lord of reality
make me real
not plastic
synthetic
pretend phony
an actor playing out his part
hypocrite.
I don’t want
to keep a prayer list
but to pray
nor agonize to find Your will
but to obey
what I already know
to argue
theories of inspiration
but submit to Your Word.
I don’t want
to explain the difference
between eros and philos
and agape
but to love.
I don’t want
to sing as if I mean it
I want to mean it.
I don’t want
to tell it like it is
but to be it
like You want it.
I don’t want
to think another needs me
but I need him
else I’m not complete.
I don’t want
to tell others how to do it
but to do it
to have to be always right
but admit it
when I’m wrong.
I don’t want
to be a census taker
but an obstetrician
nor an involved person
a professional
but a friend.
I don’t want
to be insensitive
but to hurt
where other people hurt
nor to say
I know how you feel
but to say God knows
and I’ll try
if you’ll be patient with me
and meanwhile I’ll be quiet.
I don’t want
to scorn the clichés
of others
but to mean everything I say
including this.¹

 

1. Joseph Bayly, “A Song of Single-Mindedness,” in Psalms of My Life (Wheaton, Ill.: Tyndale House, 1978), 40. Used by permission.

 

Playing Hooky

by Colleen Swindoll Thompson

Laughter is key to a full life.

This week, I tripped, spilled, stumbled, tumbled, and fumbled. I would assume you have your own stories as well. But have you learned to laugh at such mishaps? I hope you will, as I have, because laughter brings freedom and joy to life.

Over time, I found one thing utterly refreshing—when the kids and I played hooky. While Jon was in school, his two siblings and I occasionally took a break from life. We played games and laughed loudly at whatever came along. It lightened the load, rejuvenated our relationships, and lifted our spirits. Even today, the memories of the times we played hooky together bring about belly laughs.

Perhaps your life has become too serious, too dreary. Listen to this wisdom from a Nebraskan monastery friar. Lighten up . . . and every now and then . . . play hooky.

If I had my life to live over again, I’d try to make more mistakes next time.

I would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this trip.

I know of very few things I would take seriously.

I would take more trips. I would be crazier.

I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers, and watch more sunsets.

I would do more walking and looking.

I would eat more ice cream and less beans.

I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I’m one of those people who lives life prophylactically and sensibly hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I’ve had my moments, and if I had to do it over again I’d have more of them.

In fact, I’d try to have nothing else, just moments, one after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I’ve been one of those people who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat, aspirin, and a parachute.

If I had to do it over again I would go places, do things, and travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over I would start barefooted earlier in the spring and stay that way later in fall.

I would play hooky more.

I wouldn’t make such good grades, except by accident.

I would ride on more merry-go-rounds.

I’d pick more daisies.¹

 

1. Anonymous, as quoted in Charles R. Swindoll, Laugh Again (Dallas: Word, 1991), 69–70.

Back to School

by Colleen Swindoll Thompson

It’s back-to-school time! I’m guessing some parents (including me) are delighted, and most kids are disappointed. Kids tend to ask lots of questions before school begins: “Will I be riding the bus?” “Who is my teacher?” “Are the kids nice?” “Do I wear regular clothes or a uniform?” But kids don’t ask questions just about school. I recently came across some very funny questions and comments from kids about God.
Here are a few:

1. Dear God: In Sunday school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? —Jane
2. Dear God: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. —Joyce
3. Dear God: My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. —Danny
4. Dear God: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only four people in our family, and I can never do it. —Nan
5. Dear God: We read that Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday school they said You did it. So I bet he stole your idea. —Donna

Today, going to school is more complicated than it used to be—more bullying, disrespectfulness, anger, emotional problems, blame, and excuses. For the students with disabilities, school is often an unprotected and painful place.

Because my son is a student with noticeable disabilities, I ask the Lord many questions. My questions include:

1. Lord, I’m terrified he will be bullied again. Will you calm my spirit and protect my son?
2. Lord, will you bring aid to help him when he cannot do things on his own?
3. Lord, will you please give him strength when he is exhausted?
4. Lord, he doesn’t have friends; I grieve when I see him alone on the playground. Will you bring him a friend?

Maybe you have questions too. You can call on our Savior for help. He has not forgotten you. He is leading you, so walk by faith no matter how difficult it is. When your faith falters, He understands. We ask Him to guide us through our unbelief. I promise you, He answers every time. Meditate on the following verses of Scripture:

“The steadfast mind You will keep in perfect peace,
Because he trusts in you.” (Isaiah 26:3)

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
Will abide in the shadow of the Almighty.
I will say to the LORD, “My refuge and my fortress,
My God, in whom I trust.” (Psalm 91:1–2)

If I should say, “My foot has slipped,”
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, will hold me up.
When my anxious thoughts multiply within me,
Your consolations delight my soul. (94:18–19)

 

Other Resources:

1. Special Words for Special People: Offering Grace to the Weary by Charles R. Swindoll (CD or MP3)
2. Hope for the Hurting by Insight for Living (LifeMaps book)
3. “Hope Beyond Our Trials: ‘When Through Fiery Trials . . .’” from the series Insights on 1 Peter: Hope Again: When Life Hurts and Dreams Fade by Charles R. Swindoll (CD or MP3)
4. Same Lake, Different Boat: Coming alongside People Touched by Disability by Stephanie O. Hubach

The Little Troll

 

I have found that most of the stuff necessary for raising kids has an astonishing ability to hide in the smallest cracks and crevices of the home. There is an assortment of sticky, spiky, smelly, and squishy things I’ve found under my sofa cushions and car seats, in dryer filters and clothing pockets. Once, I laughed aloud when I stumbled over an ugly, squeezable troll doll with fuzzy hair sticking straight up. When I squeezed his tummy, his eyes bugged out, his ears popped out, and his face flared out.  The kids and I found it funny to watch his fingers and toes inflate like those tiny link sausages when we packed on the pressure.

We laugh when the pressure implodes a kid’s toy; but the humor fades when our circumstances apply direct, unending pressure to our hearts. The suffocating squeeze constricts my neck muscles, resulting in throbbing migraines. Grief or sorrow squeezes my heart, drawing tears from my eyes. Anxiety tightens my stomach, distracting my mental focus from truth. The worst pain takes me captive with an arresting, unyielding hold.  In extreme moments, even breathing feels impossible.

However, I know I have hope in the midst of these pressures. Second Timothy 3:16–17 reminds me,

All Scripture is inspired by God and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, for training in righteousness; so that the man of God may be adequate, equipped for every good work.

The pressure dissipates when I turn to God’s Word. God’s truth brings refreshment and relief, reminding me that rest is promised in the midst of life’s problems.

Feeling like a little troll? The book of Psalms offers comfort to weary hearts. Today, you may find that Psalms 1, 23, 37, 40, and 121 offer a needed dose of encouragement.

Your circumstances may not change immediately, but your spirit will soar and your bindings will be released as you focus on God’s truth.

Honoring Men of Character

As a more serious complement to our previous post, which shed light on the humorous side of being a man, I’ve created my own list, honoring men of character. Men who are called on to provide loving care to individuals who cannot function on their own face sobering realities and unique demands. As you carry out these honorable roles, I hope you find the following list fulfilling to your soul. Your service is invaluable, and we are grateful for you.

 

Great Things about Being a Male Caregiver

1. A 30-second conversation with your autistic child may be considered real progress.
2. You are thankful any time (moment?) your home is clean.
3. You are thankful to wear underwear every time you change the diapers of your aging, ill parent.
4. Preferred hair color means nothing because your loved one doesn’t have hair due to chemotherapy treatments.
5. Slowly shopping for Christmas is treasured because this is the last Christmas you will have together.
6. Any car ride is appreciated because you can see, and hear, and feel, and speak.
7. Though your wedding plans took care of themselves, you lead your home with far more tenderness.
8. Problems in public are meaningless.
9. You wash the hands and feet of another, seeing the nails Jesus bore for us all.
10. Your tears reveal humility and honor, grace, and mercy—the calling of Christ for us all.

It's a Guy's Life!

In a sermon about the family called “Looking Back on Things That Matter,” which aired last February as part of the Family Matters series, Chuck read a list of great reasons for being a man. Here is a sample of that list. And speaking as a woman, I think you guys are fantastic. Enjoy.

Great Things about Being a Man

1. You don’t have to go to the bathroom with a support group.
2. Whole conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. You can kill your own food.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
7. You don’t have to clean up your apartment just because the meter reader is coming.
8. You can watch TV for hours with your buddy and never wonder if he’s mad at you.
9. Your underwear is $10.00 for a three-pack.
10. Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
11. You can stop by your buddy’s house without having to bring a little gift.
12. If another guy shows up at the party wearing the same suit, you might become lifelong friends.
13. You seldom have strap problems in public.
14. Your belly usually covers your hips.
15. One outfit, one wallet, one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons
16. A few belches are expected and tolerated.
17. You can do your nails with a pocket knife.
18. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
19. Christmas shopping for 25 relatives can be accomplished at the same store in 45 minutes.

Things My Mother Taught Me

This month is dedicated to celebrating women. I realize not everyone who reads this is a woman, but you probably have at least one woman in your life—a mother, your spouse or girlfriend, or a daughter. But whether or not you’re a woman, this fun little piece made me chuckle, and I thought you would get a kick out of it too.

  

Things My Mother Taught Me . . .

 

To Value a Job Well Done

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

All about Time Travel

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

Logic

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

Foresight

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

Irony

“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

Osmosis

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

Stamina

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

Weather

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

Hypocrisy

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

Circle of Life

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

Behavior Modification

“Stop acting like your father!”

Thankfulness

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

Anticipation

“Just wait until we get home.”

Receiving

“You are going to get it when you get home!”

Medical Science

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

How to Become an Adult

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

Wisdom

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

Justice

“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you.”

 

—Author Unknown