Thirteen Years Ago

by Colleen Swindoll Thompson

My son, Jon, turns 15 years old this month. Thirteen years ago, I sat in a doctor’s office and listened to a kindhearted, brilliant man tell me my son had autism—an umbrella term with five major categories beneath it. All the while, Jon’s hand-flapping and toe-walking . . . and silence . . .
     and emotional distance . . .
          and . . .
               the doctor’s words kind of
                     melted together.

I didn’t know what to think because I didn’t know a thing about autism, and I didn’t know who to call because I didn’t know anyone who had a child diagnosed with autism. Thirteen years feels like forever ago, yet it also feels like yesterday.

Time: A Strange Teacher!

When life smacks us with something so unexpectedly enormous, the passage of time enters another dimension; the dust settles in some places after a while, but it never settles completely in other places, as if it’s frozen in midair. The fact is, one of the hardest notions to acknowledge is that the dust under my feet will never really settle. Thirteen years ago, it was important to me that my life was nice and tidy because I believed it revealed a level of spiritual maturity. It seemed that if my home was orderly and my children were neatly presented, then my soul must be spiritually strong too. What a ridiculous assumption! One of life’s greatest lessons Jon taught me is about love: it isn’t given or not given by how well presented we are.

God Controls Our Future

When I was 13 years old, I was given an assignment to memorize the New Testament book of James. James is often compared to the book of Proverbs in that it contains practical wisdom for everyday living. Chapter 4 of James contains a section that reminds me to be okay with messy places in life . . . areas inside my soul that are upside down because we live in a world that is upside down and inside out and not eternal. The chapter begins with words regarding submitting our lives to God, about humility, about letting others off that bloody hook of the law and living by grace; then James gives an example of—as I would say—being a perfect little know-it-all. The NET Bible renders the passage as:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go into this or that town and spend a year there and do business and make a profit.” You do not know about tomorrow. What is your life like? For you are a puff of smoke that appears for a short time and then vanishes. You ought to say instead, “If the Lord is willing, then we will live and do this or that.” But as it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil. (James 4:13–16 NET)

Essentially, James is saying, “Now wait a second, people! How dare you make plans—with some undaunted determination—about exactly what’s going to happen in your future when you don’t even have a clue about how today will end.” He’s reminding us that life is frail, people are frail, and it’s by God’s grace alone that we are able to live and breathe. God provides our every breath, not us. And He also provides what we need most: unconditional love—unchanging, unwavering acceptance when we are lovely and when we are messy too.

You Are Loved

As I celebrate my son’s birthday this month, I celebrate you too. Your life was created by God, you are made in His image, and you are of immeasurable value and worth. Whether or not you have it all together, you are loved by God, and nothing can change His love for you. Now that is something to celebrate!

 

Comments

[Kelly]

Thanks for this post, Colleen. I remember that feeling of devastation 7 years ago when my son was diagnosed with Tuberous Sclerosis (he has a secondary diagnosis of autism)at 5 months old. It's amazing how we think our world is so "together" until something so unexpected and heartbreaking happens. I know I arrogantly thought I had it together spiritually but have learned so much since. It's only by His grace that I can have the strength to take care of both boys on a daily basis. It's hard and I don't always have the best attitude. Your blog is such an encouragement to me.

[Colleen Thompson]

Dear Kelly,
Oh my...what a road. I would love to know how you are doing with it all...meaning, how it has been for you. It's a quiet sorrow, isn't it. Not a pity kind but one that etches away at the earthly parts of your soul. Often, I say we have one foot in heaven, one foot on earth, which is a great way to live. Your words mean much here; thank you for taking the time to write. Isn't modern technology amazing that we can connect in ways we never could before; as Paul says, 'building one another up in brotherly love'. May your day be filled with grace and peace beyond understanding. Colleen

[Sylvia]

Colleen, Tears are pouring down as I read this...tears of thanks. Someone 'gets' what the heart of a momma suffers when her kids suffer; when its so confusing from the 'earth' perspective. Ours has been a 'long' journey..made bearable by God's grace. Our 3rd child had a tragic motorcycle accident and lost his right leg. He is still suffering from PSTD, depression, on going severe pain from the stump and the prostetic leg. We have several other very difficult things going on- we adopted our neice and nephew who needed a home and are suffering from trauma,and we still have other kids so we're pretty busy.It's been good because we live abandoned to God..on our faces waiting on our Lord.Our hearts yearn for our son to seek God, to turn to HIM for help instead of all the other things he turns to. Thank you for the encouragement. It helps me to know that you know the suffering and the joy. That has been the surprise for me; that joy and suffering can live together. I'm so thankful God walks with us in the midst of the suffering- that I know that He will continue to guide us and give us strength for the next 6 inches : ). Thank you for your post. It was that help I needed today to focus on the Lord's strength.

[Colleen Thompson]

Sylvia, Oh my goodness..what a story-stories rather, that you have! I cannot imagine how hard it is for you to see God's good hand at times...that must be a constant choice you make. I am amazed that the Lord crossed our paths...not that He can't but that he did. And what a blessing it is for me to know that He did. As a mom, I understand the yearnings you expressed...for your son to find Jesus in the midst of his pain and suffering, to need help and offer hope to the rest of your family; you are 'poured out' like Paul the apostle wrote...as an offering no doubt. I will pray the Lord fills you with His presence and His peace in the days ahead. Thank you for sharing your life here and I would love to continue to connect. I hope you have found our Special Needs facebook page as it is a wonderful place for us all to be encouraged...to laugh together, cry together, and share the burdens of this life. You can link to it from our blog page. Sylvia, thank you again and may our Lord bring to your home and heart a divine understanding of the needs as well as a light to your every step.

Colleen