Reality at Its Best

by Colleen Swindoll Thompson

I had become a statistic. Again and again, I had heard about the extremely high divorce rate among couples supporting a disabled loved one. And then I joined that “extremely high” category—a divorced mom with children ages 8, 12, and 13. The years as a single parent were difficult. Misunderstanding, judgment, and condemnation had driven me to the point that I was never, ever going to consider remarriage. Then, along came a “good friend”—to whom I had clearly communicated the fact that I would never marry again. He was patient, loving, and kind and put up with my utter resistance. Toban and I married in 2009.

But before we married, I had to lay some ground rules for how to date a single mom with an autistic son. I recently came across the list below and had to share it with Toban because I had told him every single thing on that list when we started dating. He recalls my telling him these things. He put my fears at rest then about my complicated situation, and he continues to put my fears to rest. In that, I take heart!

I understand divorce and the confusion it causes. May the Lord lead you in the way you should go. And never hesitate to remind your significant other of number 10! If you have more to add to the list, please share with us and add some comments.

TOP TEN THINGS A GUY SHOULD KNOW
BEFORE DATING AN AUTISM MOM

1. Be patient. . . . My children and I are worth it.
2. Be understanding. . . . I may have to cancel at the last minute.
3. Be thoughtful. . . . If I did cancel, offer to come over for movie night and bring take-out that is kid-approved.
4. Sometimes I have a short fuse. . . . Remember what I deal with every day.
5. My children come first. . . . Deal with it.
6. Some things in my normal everyday life might be more than you can handle. . . . If that’s the case, say so from the beginning.
7. Being a mom is a full-time job. Being the mom of a kid with special needs is like having two full-time jobs. Being a single mom is like having three.
8. Never say “I love you” unless you mean it. We don’t have time for games.
9. Be kind. . . . That shouldn’t need an explanation.
10. My house is always a mess. It’s my reality.¹

 

1. Taken from Jennifer Hodgdon, “Top Ten Things a Guy Should Know before Dating an Autism Mom,” Autism Single Moms Blog Spot, http://autismsinglemomsblogspot.wordpress.com/2012/02/23/top-ten-things-a-guy-should-know-before-dating-an-autism-mom/, accessed May 15, 2012.

Comments

[Luz Apolayo]

Thank you Colleeen! I totally relate to # 7 and to this date, almost 10 years ago after Ariel Moisés was born, I still do not consider remarrying.

I just do not have time not even for myself.

The week Ariel will be at summer camp at Barnabas will be the first vacation on my own since he was born.

blessings
Luz

[dianahutton62@sympatico.ca]

Fantastic column, Colleen. Thank you. I'm going to use it! God bless you. Love Diana

[Colleen Thompson]

Luz, ooohhhhh how I understand. When I first met my husband, I told him I was never, ever, ever, never-ever getting married again....well, he is a gift from the Lord but I made it really clear just what he was getting into. This list reminded me of those experiences. I can't wait for you to have alone time. It will probably be odd-you have given your whole being to serving Ariel, now time alone...let me know all the fun you are having; and maybe the oddness of it as well. Bless you today and each day. Colleen

[Colleen Thompson]

Hi Diana, glad you found it helpful...It's both serious and very halarious. Love hearing from you. Colleen

[best kind of life]

the best one .

Being a mom is a full-time job. Being the mom of a kid with special needs is like having two full-time jobs. Being a single mom is like having three.

[Colleen Thompson]

Dear Best, thanks for your great comment! You are right on, in fact when my son's neurologist completed his testing, she diagnosed him with 6 additional disabilities and looked at me quite seriously and said, "He is going to be the work of 10 children". After lots and lots of tears, I chose to adjust my perspective; now I say, "oh, i have 13 biological children, 2 via my second marriage, and I age in dog years so I'm as old as the earth'. (In jest of course). All that to say, you seem resilient, committed, determined, and funny. I so appreciate your words; may the Lord shine His face upon you today and each day. Colleen

[Janise]

Luz, all I can say is that Toban must love you so much for he overlooked being married to an autism mom. He must not see your son as a burden but a great love that must show you instead. I can feel the love both of you are sharing and I'm wishing you all the best of luck and happiness a life could offer. Godbless!

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