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Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Journal

SnBlogJournal

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Lord, here I am again, full of worry—a subject I bring to You over and over again. It’s about what I believe (Your truth and promises) playing tug of war with what I feel (my emotions and fears).

The journey between my head and my heart is the hardest one of them all. I know the truth in my head: You are sovereign and a very present help in time of need. But my heart feels defenseless and invisible. My head knows You are faithful and good, but my heart feels as though You are mean and absent.

I know the truth is that You are just, but I feel what David felt. . . . How long, O Lord . . . How long will You allow the enemy to be victorious? I know faith is not about my feelings but about what I choose to believe. Tonight, my feelings are pressing in; I need Your comfort, I plead for Your mercy.

You know my heart, how I try to keep trusting You, but I habitually return to controlling the caretaking work by my own strength. It’s impossible. Oh God, it’s such a great conflict for me. I’m afraid. I’m terrified that You will not protect, You will allow more harm; even though I know that isn’t the way of truth.

My request? Lord, have mercy on me and give me Your grace. Pick me up from my emotions and carry me to your truth.

Comments

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Who gave you a copy of my journal from this week? Goodness, it's nearly identical to what I have written. Only, I added the question: How do I walk boldly in faith, loving freely, risking hurt and not retreating into my "safe" cave and yet not be dashed to pieces by the raw emotions which wait to assail me as soon as I step outside of it? My only answer so far. . .Have mercy on me, o my God!

I am so glad to receive these emails...I am a struggling mom with an 11yo with Asperger's and ADD. I became saved about 2 years ago. As of the last 6 months I have lost my will to fight for what I knew to be true and at times go on. I fight over depression...which I never thought I would get because I have always loved life and people and this beautiful earth we have. But I have a non believing husband who is extremely controlling, non compromising and not willing help with anything. My life is a mess and I have reached the end of my rope...I for the first time don't want my son anymore...I don't know how to help him and he cries and gets so upset all the time. My 6yo daughter is lost in it all and she is resenting all the attention my son gets. And now to find out that my husband may have Asperger's...I don't think I can handle them both. I know I messed up in my life...but why do my family and friends have such normal kids. I just want a normal happy life that I always thought I would have. Not without problems or obstacles to overcome. Some of us can't afford all the help we need for our children and we are left to teach them when we are not capable. It is so hard...


Deanna, your journal reflects many tear-stained pages of those writing in anguish. Oh my friend, you have a broken heart. You feel shattered and without hope. Often, a deeply penetrating sting is present because this wasn't the picture of the Christian life. How often we believe the Christian life is full of joy, filled with answered prayer, and removed from sweeping anguish. It is utterly disillusioning to lose all hope, to be left alone, to be without strength. But Deanna, one must pass through the sweltering, ashen kiln which burns away our self strength, self abilities to go on. Thus, the fire prepares our souls for God's sovereign reign-filling us with everlasting hope, unshakable strength, a bold and steadfast confidence. We are restored because God has filled us with Himself. The engulfing fiery flames burn away many of our illusions, false beliefs, self-driving motivations; pieces of our human, fallen nature which always damages the soul. It is horribly painful, Deanna, but it is the making of you. Your Savior is forming your soul, establishing in you a deep, steadfast faith; bold and confident, free to love and live because the Lord is you’re everything. I will believe for you, the crushing is indeed bringing you to an intimacy with Him you cannot know otherwise. Your whole perspective will be eternal. Yes, there will be grief, anguish, times of horrible sorrow; but it will be met with Christ in you. You will see with different eyes, open to an eternal perspective. Deanna, I carry some deeply sorrowful anguish, but Jesus Christ my Lord fills me, brings me to peace and hope through it. Reflect on Jeremiah's journal, Lamentations-specifically chapter 3. Writing excerpts from the Message, Jeremiah writes...God locked me up in the deep darkness, I cried out and pleaded for help, He locked my prayers up and threw them out, I gave up on life altogether, I have forgotten the good life, I'm finished, God is a lost cause." Then, as if he turned a page drenched with tears, he states with bold confidence, "I will never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the feeling of hitting the bottom, yet God proves to be good to the man who waits, to the woman who seeks, when life is heavy and hard to take, go off by yourself and enter the silence, bow in prayer, don't ask questions...wait for hope to appear...I called out to God from the bottom of the pit, He listened and came close, You Master, brought me back to life...His loyal love doesn't run out, your merciful love never dries up, great is your faithfulness."
My Heavenly Father, my prayer for Deanna right now is she will believe in what she cannot see, will trust in you despite how absent and alone she feels. Help her, restore her soul, deepen her faith, and love her back to life.

J.K. My spirit was silenced as I read your words. The depth of your anguish, such grievous sorrow; I am so sorry.. How I wish I could wrap my arms around you and in silence, provide comfort for you to cry, to weep, to wail, to cry out what is inside. Instead of writing to all you mentioned, I'm choosing to send you God's words as He's given them-to you. J.K., "He gathers the lambs [you] in his arms and carries them [you] close to his heart; The Lord is gracious and compassionate, He heals the [your] broken heart and binds up their[your]wounds...Lord, you are my shepherd, you restore my soul, even as I walk through this valley-the shadow of death-you are with me, you comfort me."
Our Great God, your son was silent as He endured the cross, he pleaded with you for an escape, yet in your will, it was allowed for our salvation. J.K. is enduring her own crosses, the crucibles which have no words to express. Please show yourself to her, make a way for her, as she feels the many deaths of her wishes and abilities...oh God, provide her with the power of your resurrection; so that your glory will be revealed in here and through her because you have restored her soul.
J.K.-will you please continue to write? Please continue to put your words here as I will continue to lift up your life to the shepherds care.

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