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“Fixing Foundation Problems” by Wayne Stiles

My grandmother’s old house came the closest to a home away from home for me. Built in 1909, it endured countless repairs, two roofs, and around twenty-seven sets of wallpaper.

One winter I noticed in a high corner the wallpaper had buckled and split. When I questioned my grandmother she commented: “The house needs foundation work. Every time the seasons change or the wind blows a different direction, the whole house shifts.” That made sense. In the past twenty years I bet I’ve shaved an inch off all doors trying to get them to close. But the repair lasted only until the wind shifted again.

Now look closely at the lives of many people you know, and you’ll see this old house’s problem played out in vivid display. When one marriage hits the rocks, another one follows with barely equal success. When some addiction seems conquered, you see in its place one more of equal devastation. Job after job, church after church, relationship after relationship, when the walls of their lives get wrinkled or ripped, their solution is often to paper over the tear with a fresh print . . . and just start over. Maybe you’ve even had a few sets of wallpaper yourself.

The problem, of course, lies not with the wallpaper, the walls, or even the wind (returning to the old house’s metaphor). These remain but symptoms of the real problem: a poor foundation.

When the devil tempted the first humans to disobey, their cunning enemy appealed to emotions by discrediting God’s Word (Genesis 3:4–6). Satan’s tactics haven’t changed. If he can get us to doubt God’s truth—or simply to stay unaware of it—we have nothing left to base our decisions on except emotion and common sense. Both inadequate foundations.

I wish I could count how many couples sat in my pastoral office and confessed they just “don’t love each other anymore.” Because their feelings had changed, they assumed they had missed true love. But God never intended feelings to guide us.

What circumstance do you find yourself in today where emotion has demanded its way? Your marriage? Your kids’ schooling? Your integrity on the job?

Watch out.

When we make decisions based on any other foundation but God’s Word, we sit at the mercy of any wind’s whim. No marriage will endure. No salary will satisfy. No job, church, or relationship will last. How can they when we base them on feelings that constantly shift?

God’s Word remains a sure foundation for our lives, true. But we only enjoy its benefits when we obey it.

How do you say, "I love you?"

Photo by Mary Bingham

As we celebrate love this month, the iParent blog team wants to know... What do you do to show your child you love him or her? Are there any special Valentines Day traditions you have? Please share them with our readers.

He Sleeps with a Diaper—by Michael J. Svigel

“Oh, oh! I almost forgot! He sleeps with a diaper.”

 “Most babies do.”

 “No, no, I mean he sleeps with it. He cuddles it.”

 “What?”

 “Yeah, I know, it’s crazy. He used to have this little blue blanky that grandma made him, but one night his diaper came loose and the Velcro strap got attached to the blanky. By morning he was cuddling up to the wet diaper. We thought it was funny. We even took a picture of it. But the next night he pushed his blanky away and was cuddling his diaper again. (What a mess that was.) So now we just, you know, put him to bed with a wet diaper to cuddle.”

 “Wet?”

 “Yeah, that’s the worst part. He got used to the diaper being wet. So we just run it under the water for a few seconds, let it soak in, then just, you know, let him have it. It’s the only way he’ll go to sleep at night. Poor little guy. If he doesn’t have his wet diaper he’ll just scream and holler all night.”

* * *

 Okay, so this may seem a bit extreme. But it does illustrate an important lesson I learned very early on in this long haul journey called parenthood: my kids will expect whatever I condition them to expect. If I keep the house absolutely quiet when baby’s napping, baby will require absolute silence to nap. If I rock baby in the rocking chair and sing Amazing Grace to get her to sleep at night, I better get used to rocking and singing, because that’s what baby will expect. If I run into baby’s room every time I hear my toddler call my name, he’s going to expect me to come running. And when I delay, he’ll let me hear about it. If I give my son or daughter T.V. time whenever they do their chores, that “privilege” quickly becomes the status quo—an entitlement that better be kept. And, yes, I suppose if you get your infant used to cuddling a wet Pamper, you’d better double your diaper budget!

 Though I’m sure parenting books address this issue, my wife and I learned this one on our own. And we put this principle of kid conditioning to good use in several ways.

 First, we decided early on that we’d keep household noise at normal levels when the kids slept. Rather than tip-toeing around and whispering, we talked, laughed, worked, and watched T.V. as normal. Our theory was that the kids would get used to sleeping in noisy surroundings. So far, it’s worked. No walking on eggshells at the Svigel house.

 Second, we made sure we didn’t habitually resort to methods of soothing our children that we weren’t prepared to continue indefinitely. Allowing the kids to climb in bed with us every night wouldn’t make it. Rocking them to sleep wasn’t an option. Running into the room ten times a night to tell them to stop talking wasn’t an acceptable part of the evening routine. The result? Kids are in bed by 8:00 p.m. and we have a few hours of mommy and daddy time.

 Third, we established habits for our kids that we wanted to keep up. Sometimes this can be the best way to force lazy-leaning parents to do what they’re supposed to do anyway. So, every night my kids expect us to pray with them. Every night they expect a story from dad—usually something with a built-in lesson for little hearts. If the kids didn’t expect these things (even need them to make bed time complete) I’m sure those important rituals would just go the way of other good intentions. But we used this kid-conditioning principle to condition us.

 Wet diapers aren’t meant to be cuddled. That much is certain. Still, this absurd and (as far as I know) fictional example of allowing kids to condition us rather than the other way around can serve as an important reminder. Kid conditioning is real. But like a double-edged blade, it can cut in two directions—it can be a way of digging unhealthy ruts in our parenting patterns. . . or it can be used as a means of instilling healthy habits in pliable hearts.

Lying Is Not So Bad

The folks at Insight for Kids have added another clever video to the Teaching Bad Theology series. Check it out:

If you are hoping to compromise your childs biblical worldview, lying is an easy and efficient way to ruin his or her love for truth. Dave and Eric show you how easy it is to spin half-truths, tall ta... more >>

If you are hoping to compromise your child's biblical worldview, lying is an easy and efficient way to ruin his or her love for truth. Dave and Eric show you how easy it is to spin half-truths, tall tales, and bald-faced lies. Visit Insight for Parents for more parenting resources.

The new atheists and your child

Conservative talk-show host and columnist, Dennis Prager explains how a generation raised with a secular humanist worldview is making best sellers out of books by neo-atheists, The God Delusion, by Richard Dawkins; God is Not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything, by Christopher Hitchens; and Letter to a Christian Nation, by Sam Harris:

The secular indoctrination of a generation that has grown into adulthood is bearing fruit. Unless one receives a strong religious grounding in a religious school and/or religious home, the average young person in the Western world is immersed in a secular cocoon. From elementary school through graduate school, only one way of looking at the world -- the secular -- is presented. The typical individual in the Western world receives as secular an indoctrination as the typical European received a religious one in the middle ages. I have taught college students and have found that their ignorance not only of the Bible but of the most elementary religious arguments and concepts -- such as the truism that if there is no God, morality is subjective -- is total. (Read Entire Article)

There is really nothing new about neo-atheism. The denial of God is as old as the Scriptures. David even reserves a special name for folks like Dawkins, Hitchens, and Harris: fools. But I am convinced that the tide of tolerant (even eager) acceptance of humanism and atheism today means that it is more important than ever that Christian parents commit themselves to vigilance about establishing a biblical worldview in the heart of their child. 

A Peculiarity of God’s Love—by Wayne Stiles

I remember when my daughter learned to ride her bike without training wheels. (This occurred appropriately in the season called “fall.”) As she sped down a hill toward a huge ravine, I saw written all over her face the message: “I’m not in control!” So as she flew by me, I reached out and lifted her off the bike. The bike went sailing on into the abyss, and in the process, my daughter fell down. She hopped up hotter than a hornet!  

 “Daddy, why did you do that?!” Even after I pointed at the oncoming ravine, she still stood enraged that I would do such a thing.

This incredulous attitude doesn’t change much as we grow. One woman admitted: “I was raised in a conservative church where we were taught to seek God’s guidance. But I’ve con­cluded that all that teaching was a crock! Where was God when I needed Him? Why didn’t He give me a better family? Why didn’t He let me marry better men? God knew what was going to happen to me. He could have stopped it. But instead He’s letting me wallow in misery. It’s not fair.”

We struggle with the pain in our lives because we assume the Christian life should bring all the good things we want. We feel that God’s unconditional love for us includes protection from losing our jobs, losing a child, or having accidents only “other” people have. So when reality hits, God becomes the scapegoat—because He could have stopped it all.

 “How long, O Lord? Will You forget me forever? How long will You hide Your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1). Ever prayed that? King David did. Nothing aches so badly as God’s apparent apathy.

While the world points to pain as proof God doesn’t exist, the devil points to pain as proof God doesn’t care. And if the devil can get us to doubt God’s goodness, we stand on the precipice of using our anger with God to justify sin.

David not only expressed honest feelings of abandonment, but he affirmed his faith in God’s goodness—even though he could not understand it: “But I have trusted in Your lovingkindness; my heart shall rejoice in Your salvation” (v. 5).

Even within the blur of seeming betrayal, David clings to God’s character as good.

As parents we can all understand why I grabbed my daughter off her bike. But as a child, she lacked the capacity to appreciate what I did as an act of love. She couldn’t see past her pain toward the reason I allowed—and even caused—her pain.

If we acknowledge our Father’s goodness only in the pleasant things He allows, we yield to the childish nature which misses an astounding peculiarity of God’s love. We miss the wonderful maturation gained from praising a good God who uses even our pain for our advantage.

The Golden Compass: An Honorable Heroine? - by John Adair

The controversial new movie, The Golden Compass, premiered this past weekend. With all the hubbub around the movie and its supposed “atheist agenda,” I wanted to see what the fuss was all about. As usual, the picture is more mixed than the media presented. For more on the theological implications of the movie, see my full review here.

As a parent, one other element I didn’t have space to cover in my review, but that frankly has stuck with me more than any other, is the portrayal of the film’s 12-year old heroine, Lyra. One of the difficulties of placing a child at the forefront of an epic fantasy adventure like this is the danger of taking the “kid” out of the character.

This is the first problem with Lyra in Compass. Where is the fear? Where is the innocence? Where is the desire to please admiring adults? Lyra has none of these. She constantly finds herself at odds with adults. This includes the evil Magisterium and their lackey, Ms. Coulter. But it also extends to friendly figures such as Lyra’s guardian uncle Lord Asriel.

Now, simply being at odds with certain adult figures need not be a problem, but it’s the way that these conflicts are portrayed that is troubling. Not only is she not a "kid," but she's not honorable either. Lyra is celebrated by the film for her rebellions. There is no hint of regret that things shouldn’t be this way. Instead, she is all defiance and no grace. Such a portrayal doesn’t really make for a compelling adult character, so this attitude on the part of a child is too much to be believed. It presumes a kind of severity and anger in a child that is neither honorable nor realistic.

To the degree that the world of The Golden Compass reflects our own, Lyra is a character to be mourned rather than celebrated. Lyra represents defiance, self-centeredness, and severity. She lies and cops an attitude with adults. It’s those very qualities that make her successful in the film. As Christians, Christ commends us to other qualities, such as service, mutual respect, and grace. These may not fit nicely into the world of The Golden Compass, but they are the keys to Christlike living in our world.

Teach Your Kids Bad Theology - A How-to Guide

Here's a little something we here at Insight for Kids cooked up in the lab. More to come!

The Night after Christmas - by Wayne Stiles

I’ve decided that during the holiday season we should change the mall’s name to “maul.” I’ve never seen such mayhem—kids running, parents screaming, people impatiently standing in long lines—all to the music of “Joy to the World” in the background. Good grief! The irony of it all seemed somewhat humorous. (But not really.)

And if you decide to head to the “maul” the night after Christmas, you’ll see more of the same chaos—a rush of returns in exchange for even . . . more . . . stuff.

So in honor of those days after Christmas, I’ve decided to try my hand at rewriting Clement Clarke Moore’s Christmas classic. Here she goes. (Ahem.)

’Twas the night after Christmas, when all through the house,

Every creature was searching (both me and my spouse),

The stockings, the drawers, we looked everywhere,

In hopes the receipts for our gifts would be there.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the house to see what was the matter.

When, what to my wondering eyes should I see,

But my neighbor, too searching, his trash on the street.

More rapid than eagles he looked, but in vain,

And he shouted his creditors, and called them by name:

“On VISA! On MASTERCARD! On DISCOVER, I’m appalled!

I’ve thrown cash away! Cash away! Cash away—all!”

He’d splurged once again; he knew it too well,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard in my head,

A gentle reminder from what he had said.

I, too, was as guilty, from my head to my foot,

My conscience was tarnished like ashes and soot;

I focused, this season, on presents and things,

And not on my family, my friends, and my King.

I spoke not a word, but went straight to my work,

Ran into my house (I’d been such a jerk!),

Right up to my wife I came with a hug,

And kissed all my kids, right there on the rug.

“The night after Christmas is better,” said I,

“Than never recalling in Christmas is Christ!

The best of all gifts, which to us has been given,

Is Jesus, who died for our sins . . . and is risen!”

A Better Way to Train Up a Child

Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it. (Proverbs 22:6)

Proverbs 22:6 is probably the best-known passage on the issue of childrearing and, ironically, the most misunderstood. One classic interpretation of this proverb goes this way:

Be sure your kids attend Sunday school and church regularly. Teach your children to know and obey the Ten Commandments; teach them to pray at mealtime, bedtime, and for emergencies. And be sure to feed them a steady diet of Bible verses. Do this early on because—watch out!—teenage rebellion, where they will sow a lot of wild oats, will detour their spiritual journey. When their fling is over, they’ll come back to God. You can count on it because this verse has God’s promise on it.

The classic interpretation has two major strikes against it. First, it fails to appreciate the very colorful, intricate word-pictures used by the Hebrew poet. Second, it doesn’t hold true experientially. Some young people have rebelled and returned, but many others never returned, choosing instead to pursue their sin to the grave.

Another interpretation suggests that parents have two options to present their children: the righteous, wise path or the destructive, foolish path. Send them down the righteous road and they’ll enjoy a long, righteous life. Not exactly sage advice. Nor very useful. Wisdom usually offers insight that is less obvious.

A better interpretation of this verse begins with an appreciation for the complexity of the poet’s use of the Hebrew language. This simple, eight-word couplet drips with poetic allusion and metaphor, conveying practical, comforting wisdom that no parent can afford to miss. The most important of these lessons can be found in two terms.

Train Up

The Hebrew word hanakh means “to dedicate” or “to consecrate.” It’s used only four times in the Old Testament, three times in reference to dedicating a building and once of a child in Proverbs 22:6. In several Semitic languages, it stems from a term related to the roof or lower part of the mouth. An Arabic verb, a very close cousin to hanakh, pictures the custom of a midwife dipping her finger into a pool of crushed dates in order to massage the palate and gums of a newborn. This encouraged the baby’s sucking instinct so that nursing could begin as soon as possible. In other words, she stimulated the baby’s gums in order to encourage the kind of behavior that would benefit the child. She wisely and deftly utilized the baby’s natural instinct to guide him toward what is best.

The best parental training is accomplished when we opt for inspiration instead of coercion. We do this by discovering the child’s natural desires and unique abilities and by encouraging the behavior that will allow him or her to develop accordingly.

This is not to say that we merely allow children to do as they please or that we should avoid correction. A term similar to hanakh in closely related languages relates to the training of a horse. This image pictures a horse’s bridle, which subdues the horse for the purpose of directing its natural energies without breaking its spirit. Notice, however, that the bridle is not a yoke. Only a novice puts a rope in a horse’s mouth to dominate it. Experienced riders know that the horse’s bit is a point of contact in a relationship with the animal. Horses want to run because God gave them a desire to fulfill their created purpose. A wise, caring rider uses the bit and the reins to help the horse achieve its purpose safely and effectively.

The term hanakh mingles the ideas of “dedicate,” “mouth,” “make submissive,” and “make experienced.”

In the Way He Should Go

This is probably the most debated phrase in the proverb. The Hebrew is quite simply “in accordance with his way” or, even more literally, “upon the mouth of his way” (there’s the image of mouth again), but translating it may not be so simple. As stated earlier, some would argue that the book of Proverbs suggests only two ways that a person can go: the way of the wise or the way of the fool. And in a broad sense, that’s right. But the writer’s artful use of language tells us that his advice goes far beyond the obvious.

The key Hebrew word in the phrase is derek, or “way.” It can refer to a literal way, such as a road, or it can be less literal and refer to the manner in which something acts, as it does in Proverbs 30:18-19:

There are three things which are too wonderful for me,
Four which I do not understand:
The way of an eagle in the sky,
The way of a serpent on a rock,
The way of a ship in the middle of the sea,
And the way of a man with a maid.

In each of these, the term “way” refers to a characteristic manner. We are to train a child according to his or her characteristic manner. Some will be artistic, others athletic, and still others academic. One may be strong-willed, and another compliant. One child can be encouraged by rewards or recognition, while another couldn’t care less.

Look at the rich imagery and wisdom packed into a single proverb. “Training up” calls for a relationship in which parent and child dedicate themselves to a shared purpose, with all the privileges and responsibilities that go along with it. The parent finds ways to encourage behavior that makes everyone happy and satisfies the child’s deepest needs. And it involves guiding a wild spirit in order to give it purpose and direction.

We receive each child from the hand of God, not as a malleable lump of clay to be molded in whatever way we see fit, but as a unique, distinctive person with a destiny. We are to honor God’s creation of this one-of-a-kind individual by adapting our training to his or her characteristic manner. To fight it is to fight God’s creation.

Instead, study your children by developing an intimate relationship with each one. Help each child discover his or her road—the path he or she was created to follow. Then ask God to help you make the most of your child’s natural tendencies so that he or she can live in harmony with God’s design. And when maturity comes, his or her success will be a legacy you can enjoy together.

Adapted from Parenting: From Surviving to Thriving Workbook (Nashville: W Publishing Group, 2006). Copyright © 2006 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc. All rights reserved. Used by permission.