The Pastor's Soul, Role, and Home.

Phony Living

Like the set of a television show, behind the scenes, where the camera doesn’t go, life can be a messy network of plastic, metal, and wood—a flimsy façade—held together with cheap material and duct tape. Phony living could happen in your house or my house or any house . . . even the White House. Phoniness can find a way in. Rehoboam proves it.

Behind the scenes, Rehoboam did as his father and grandfather did, building a harem, while maintaining a public perception that he held steadfast devotion to the Lord (see 2 Chronicles 11:18–23). He nurtured an impressive public image while he passed on a dark legacy to his sons. Rehoboam polished his image as he appeared to seek wise counsel while formulating his domestic policy. But as soon as he felt secure, the real Rehoboam burst forth. Rehoboam rejected the counsel of elders in favor of the counsel of his peers. He didn’t seek advice; he sought justification. Ever done that?

In the final stage of his life, Rehoboam’s façade crumbled to reveal the hypocrisy that propped up his phony public image. When the kingdom’s wealth was pilfered by Egypt because of his apostasy, Rehoboam replaced the gold shields with bronze, polished to shine like gold, but worthless in comparison. The image-conscious king hid them in secret so nobody would know the truth—a third-class substitute after a first-class blunder by a second-rate king.

Throughout the Old Testament we see that “like produces like”—a lust for sensuality produced children with lust in their hearts. And within a generation or two, a tiny seed of compromise grew to shameless rebellion in full bloom. I call it the domino effect. David’s compromise weakened Solomon. Solomon’s carnality impacted Rehoboam. In the end, the sin that Mom loved and Dad permitted entangled the son. Hypocrisy, rather than a love for the truth, defined the life of Rehoboam. How tragic.

Now here’s the tough question: Have you fooled yourself into thinking you can manage the consequences of sin? Have you considered the effect of your sin on the people you influence? I don’t mean just your flock—in particular, I mean your spouse . . . your children. What does your family see behind the pulpit?

If we were to set up the cameras behind the scenes of your private life, what would everyone see?

                    —Chuck

Spring Cleaning . . . in Your Home

As a follow-up from last week, let me urge you to use this spring as an opportunity to get next to your children . . . to come to grips with the barriers that are blocking the flow of your love and affection (and theirs) . . . to face the facts before the bruise leads to a permanent, domestic fracture.

Three biblical cases come to my mind:

1. Rebekah—who favored Jacob over Esau . . . and used him to deceive his father, Isaac, which led to a severe family breakdown (Genesis 27).

2. Eli—who was judged by God because of his lack of discipline and failure to stand firm when his boys began to run wild (1 Samuel 3:11–14).  Eli especially stands out for us as pastors, because he was in the ministry!

3. David—who committed the same sin against his son, Adonijah, by never restraining him or crossing him throughout his early training (1 Kings 1:5–6).

You see, no one is immune . . . not even Bible characters . . . not even pastors! So then, move ahead. Refuse to pamper your parental negligence any longer.

If this post spurs you on, it will have done its deed.

                    —Chuck

Training Children in a Pastor’s Home

Okay, let’s be honest. How’s it going with you and the kids?

Maybe that question doesn’t even apply to you. You may have already raised your brood and had them leave the nest. But I have a hunch that many of you pastors are still in the process of training and rearing . . . so—how’s it going?

What word(s) would you use to describe your overall relationship with your offspring?

• Challenging   • Impossible    • Adventurous      • Exciting
• Strained        • Angry           • Heartbreaking   • Fun
• Pleasant        • Threatening  • Impatient         • Busy

If you want to get your eyes open to the real facts, ask your kids at the supper table this evening. Ask them to describe their feelings about you and the home. But I better warn you—it may hurt! However, it could be the first step back in the right direction toward harmony and genuine love being restored under your roof. Remember, that’s an important qualification for us as pastors (1 Timothy 3:4–5).

Needless to say, having a Christian home—even a pastor’s home—is no guarantee against disharmony. The old nature can still flare up, habits can be set in concrete that lead to broken communication lines, and biblical principles can be ignored.

Face the truth, my friend. Stop right now and think about your home. Now, an evaluation is no good if all it leads to is guilt and hurt. To stop there would be like a surgeon stopping the operation immediately after making his incision. All it would leave are hurt feelings, a lot of pain, and a nasty scar.

Why not bite off a chunk of time this spring for a single purpose—to evaluate the present condition of your home and then to set in motion the necessary steps needed to strengthen the weaknesses you uncover.

                    —Chuck

Marks of a Strong Family

Despite the pessimistic headlines announcing that the family is an endangered species, I refuse to sigh and give up hope. Who says “endangered” means doomed? If we’re ingenious enough to preserve the bison, the whooping crane, and the humpbacked whale, I’m convinced we can preserve the family. The “want to” is certainly there with a lot of us—especially us preachers.

Professor Nick Stinnett launched a fascinating study some years ago. All sorts of questions were asked to families from many backgrounds, cultures, and countries. His research represented a wide swath of the families of humanity. The goal? Very simply, to discover what makes families strong.

Dr. Stinnett writes of his findings:

All together, we studied 3,000 families and collected a lot of information. But when we analyzed it all, we found six main qualities in strong families. Strong families:

•    are committed to the family,
•    spend time together,
•    have good family communication,
•    express appreciation to each other,
•    gave a spiritual commitment, and are able to solve problems in a crisis.¹

Look back over that list. There is enough there to fill out your preaching calendar for the rest of the year! When I first came across this information, I used it not only as the basis for a miniseries of pulpit messages on the family, but I also posted that list in my home. It became the topic of numerous conversations among the Swindoll tribe! I would suggest you try the same experiment with your family.

Then preach it.

                        —Chuck

¹ Nick Stinnett, “Six Qualities that Make Families Strong,” chapter one in Family Building: Six Qualities of a Strong Family, ed. Dr. George Rekers (Ventura, Calif.: Regal Books, 1985), p 38. 

The Pastor’s Relationships—A Word to the Wives

At a recent pastors conference hosted by Insight for Living, one pastor’s wife asked me an insightful question. I’ll share her question with you, as well as my thoughts on it, so that you might pass it along to your wife, if appropriate. This woman asked, “What is the greatest contribution a wife can make to a man in ministry?”

Wonderful question. Let me respond directly . . . to your wife.

One of the greatest contributions you can make to your husband is that you be very secure in who you are. Pastors’ wives often feel they need to be something everyone else wants them to be. Some of that responsibility falls on us, as pastors, and I understand that. But it’s so important that you know who you are . . . and then be who you are.

From that place of security, it’s important that you be for your husband a person of objective support. Notice how I said that. Objective support. You’re neither a shadow nor a doormat. Furthermore, you’re not there to agree with everything. Some of the things you don’t agree with will be very helpful to him. But how you go about expressing your disagreement is very important. Remember, the goal is objective support. Both terms are essential.

Cynthia has learned how and when to question something I said in a sermon. But she has cultivated the ability to do it in a way that I feel supported by her. Younger wives tend to talk about it on the way home from church . . . not a good time! We pastors feel pretty fragile, even defensive, on Sunday afternoons. So it’s important that you learn how to say what you have to say. Remember the wives of leaders in the Bible? They had great influence . . . for good or evil. If you can remind your husband that you support him (even when you may disagree with him), he can face any challenge the ministry hurls his way. But if he doesn’t have your support—if he doubts that you believe in him—he may eventually quit the ministry in a pit of depression. I’ve seen it happen.

Finally, it’s important to keep his confidences. There are some issues I deal with that Cynthia does not know about—but they are very few. If I say to an individual, “No one will ever know this,” then I really mean no one will ever know it. But I’m careful when I say that. I usually add the caveat: “I may tell my wife about this, but she’ll make a burial of the information in her mind.” It is helpful for me to confide in my wife. Your husband needs that too. Assure him of your confidentiality.

Be very secure in who you are. Be a person of objective support. And be a trusted confidant.

He has so very few.

                                        —Chuck

A Pastor’s Relationships—His Family, Part 2

I don’t want to intensify your guilt—not at all. But let me go ahead and say that it’s probably true that some of you are neglecting the home, and the ministry has become your mistress. Believe me; I understand how that can happen. I confess that there were periods in my own life when that occurred, which I have shared with you before. Having been there, I’m telling you: it isn’t worth it. My word to you is to learn the difference between being engaged in ministry and being controlled by it.

You still have a family! They still long to have lunch with you. They still love to get a phone call. They want to know wisdom from you outside the pulpit. They still yearn to have an arm around their shoulders. They still want you to make time to sit on the back porch and kick back and listen. They want you to attend their ball games and go to their performance and see you relax . . . really relax! They still want to know that you can do more in your spare time than study. And they really want to hear you laugh! They are the ones you will leave in your legacy—the only ones who have your blood and your name. They need you. They want you. After all, they’re the ones who could write the unauthorized biography. Oh, what a thought! I won’t go there.

Let me end this entry by quoting from a book you should get if you don’t have it. Ken Gire, in his little volume A Father’s Gift: The Legacy of Memories, closes with these reflective words.

What pictures will my son remember
when he comes to the plain granite marker
over his father’s grave?
What will my daughters remember?
Or my wife? . . .

. . . I’ve resolved to give fewer lectures,
to send fewer platitudes rolling their way,
to give less criticism,
to offer fewer opinions. . . .

. . . From now on, I will give them pictures they can live by,
pictures that can comfort them,
encourage them,
and keep them warm
in my absence.

Because when I’m gone, there will only be silence.
And memories. . . .

. . . Of all
I could give
to make their lives a little fuller,
a little richer,
a little more prepared
for the journey ahead of them,
nothing compares to the gift of remembrance—
pictures that show they are special
and that they are loved.

Pictures that will be there
when I am not.

Pictures that have within them
a redemption all their own.¹

See also A Pastor’s Relationships—His Family, Part 1

¹ Ken Gire, A Father’s Gift: The Legacy of Memories (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1992), 51, 53, 57.

A Pastor’s Relationships—His Family, Part 1

As committed as you are to your church, there are others. You are not indispensable there. God can lead you to another church . . . and some day He will. But you cannot get another family . . . and they cannot get another you.

Your family members are the people who love you and need you the most—I mean that in a healthy way. Your wife and children want to be with you. They want as much time as possible to enjoy you. If you’re an empty nester, even your grown children still need you. So do those grandkids. Mine do too. They don’t want to lose us just because we are engaged in ministry.

If your ministry enlarges and begins to include other orbits (as mine has)—perhaps a radio ministry, a broader speaking ministry, a music ministry, or a publishing ministry—keep in mind that all of those things have voracious appetites. Just as Sunday comes every week (even during holidays) and you have to stand and deliver whether you’re ready or not, so your other commitments can suck the life out of you. Every publisher wants the next book, every blog or podcast audience wants the next post. My wife, Cynthia, reminds me often, “Radio never takes a holiday.” Those trains keep on moving, and they are hard to stop.

Now, I’m not saying don’t ever write, or speak elsewhere, or expand your ministry. I’m saying to think first and evaluate if it’s really God who is leading you. Needs will always outrun your energy. Even Jesus didn’t heal everybody. He purposely limited His ministry (Mark 1:35–38). The Judgment Seat of Christ will be about quality not quantity (1 Corinthians 3:13). Think before you add to your plate.

Practice saying, “No.”

                              —Chuck

See also A Pastor's Relationships--His Family, Part 2

The Pastor’s Relationships

I’ve been in ministry over four and a half decades. During that time I have discovered what might sound basic and obvious—but believe me, it took years to learn. In fact, I’m still growing into the reality of what it means. I have learned that relationships come just below one’s walk with God.

Even Jesus illustrated this principle by the relationships in His life, didn’t He? The Lord ministered to the multitudes, and within that crowd He had His followers. That group narrowed further to the Twelve, then to the three (Peter, James, and John), and finally, Jesus had John, the beloved disciple.

I have found that a minister of the gospel has at least four key areas of relationships. Picture these people as concentric circles around you—somewhat like those whom Jesus had around Him. Let’s start with those closest to you and work our way out.

Your immediate circle is your family. Obviously, if you are married, I’m referring to your relationship with your wife. But prior to marriage, and now in tandem with it, you may have a continuing relationship with your parents. And then you and your wife have a relationship with your children, your grandchildren, your in-laws, and even further relationships within the family.

The next circle out would be those who serve with you on a pastoral staff. You may serve in a church with a multiple-staff, or perhaps you are the only staff person. Maybe you employ someone on a part-time basis, or you may have volunteers. All of us have those like these who serve faithfully and consistently. Those relationships are unique.

The third circle would be fellow leaders in the church. Perhaps they are elders and deacons, or you may have other titles in your denomination. These would be those leaders who serve alongside us.

Finally, the fourth and largest circle represents those in our local congregation. And I’ve divided those into five categories: the attendees, the friends, the attractive, the troubled, and finally—the most difficult of all—the troublemakers.

A pastor’s relationships are essential. I want to take my time in addressing these with you over the weeks ahead. We’re in no hurry. Relationships take time to develop . . . and talking about them does as well. These are the lives that touch us, shape us, minister to us, mean the world to us, or drive us nuts if they could.

Relationships come just below one’s walk with God. So easy to say . . . but so challenging to live.

                                         —Chuck

Peace in Your Home

“So then let us pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another” (Romans 14:19).

Let me apply this verse by paraphrasing it this way: Pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of your children rather than creating division by tearing them down with criticism.

Are you tearing down your kids with your words? The desire for them to be strong, well-mannered, and successful children can be a strong one. In fact, too strong. You may be focused only on fixing what’s wrong, usually by pointing it out. And if we’re brutally honest with ourselves, what’s wrong is they are not meeting our expectations for what we think they should be. You played sports, so your boy should. You were Phi Beta Kappa; therefore, your child should be. You had a vibrant social life, so your daughter should. You’re musical, so your son should be, too. You’re in the ministry, so . . . (you finish the sentence).

Perhaps you have one child who’s a natural with the baseball, which pleases you because you love baseball. You share evenings together playing catch in the backyard. Then along comes another. He can’t catch, he can’t throw, and he wants to go back inside to read or listen to music. The temptation is to favor the child who is most like you and subject the one who isn’t to negative comparisons. But neither favoritism nor holding one sibling out as an example for the others will alter what God ordained for each child. (Remember Jacob’s favoritism of Joseph? Talk about dysfunction!)

Some kids love sports. Some are a whiz with puzzles and math. Some are messy and artistic and messy (they go together)! Some are structured and meticulous organizers. Some are dedicated students, while others barely squeeze by academically. Why? Because God made them that way. But if we’re not careful, we’ll see their God-ordained interests and temperaments as flaws to be fixed. We might even go so far as to make their differences rebellious issues to be disciplined, rather than hidden strengths to be developed.

Allow me to repeat my opening principle: Pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of your children rather than creating division by tearing them down with criticism.

How’s life in your home? Are you a builder?

                    —Chuck

From the Heart of a Father

I know that ministry demands from you more than you have time for. It’s the same for me. If we’re not careful, the casualties of such commitments can be those closest to us.

Please take a few minutes now and listen to a personal story I recently shared at the Christian Leadership Alliance Conference. It should give all of us who are very busy in ministry reason to pause. And, if necessary, reason to turn around.

                    —Chuck